“Why do you wear your face like that?”
Nie Huaisang's hand comes up partway to Meng Yao's face before his fingers curl inwards. Meng Yao's eyes go wide and tremulous before the corners of his mouth curl into a small smile, like one of the soundless laughs shared between them in the midst of a banquet speech.
CONTENT WARNINGS: suicidality, references to self-harm, substance misuse and sex under the influence of alcohol, generally mildly dubious consent due to Complicated Emotional Undercurrents, under-negotiated kink (impact play, verbal humiliation, and dom/sub dynamics), consensual feminization, exploration of gender roles and dysphoria, infidelity, slut shaming, references to disordered eating. Please assume all of the upsetting canon-typical topics specific to JGY, NHS, and MXY rear their heads: this includes emotional manipulation and betrayal, referenced incest and familial abuse, and encouragement of a vulnerable person towards suicide.
In general, this story is heavy on grief, toxic psychosexual dynamics, and self-destructive behaviour. It is kind of a bummer. Please only read on if you're in the mood for something dark that doesn't end well for anyone involved.
This takes place in the homebrew continuity of my mind palace, which is primarily CQL-based but also influenced by the novel and personal headcanon. A few notes on canonicity:
- On my first watch, I was convinced Meng Yao was wearing visible eye makeup as an in-character trait; on subsequent watches, I still can't tell whether that's the case or if ZZJ's eyelashes just make him look like he's got eyeliner on even when he doesn't, but this fic was spawned by my thoughts about this character design choice and so takes place in a universe where my original assumption was correct.
- The Mo Xuanyu characterization is taken from the novel, but the timeline re: age, etc. is (roughly) taken from CQL, and I describe him looking roughly like Xiao Zhan, to make everything maximally confusing.
- I thought there was a point in the CQL timeline where NHS returns to Qinghe between leaving Cloud Recesses and meeting back up with WWX et al; I'm not sure there actually is, but just go along with the idea he spent a week or two at home before the lead-up to episode 10 for the sake of the story.
The reason for all this cherry-picking is because there was a specific story I wanted to tell that I blended together out of the canons that suited me best. In the treatment of gender and sexuality, I've blended together respective canons' approaches, my own historical research, and authorial prerogative; I'm attempting to thread a needle between fidelity to multiple pieces of source material that handle this topic in variously anachronistic ways, cultural/historical accuracy, and the inherently speculative realm of fanfiction. This should not be taken as a piece of realist historical fiction, as the source material itself is not, in either of its forms.
There are a few references in the fic to increments of time measured via the traditional Chinese timekeeping system; one shi is equivalent to roughly two modern hours.
Imported from Archive of Our Own. Original work id: 26109088.